Motherhood, the Greatest Teacher

This last week I have spent quite a lot of time reflecting on motherhood. And all that comes with it. When we were engaged, I had an unbelievable amount of people tell me that we should wait at least a year before having kids. They said that we needed that time to get to know one another and figure out ourselves as a couple before complicating the matter with pregnancies and children. They would tell me how hard having kids is (because I apparently struck people as having no clue?). They said newborns are hard and you'll never get a wink of sleep and you'll be hormonal and have so many challenges, etc. While I freely admit that I am no expert and that it is none of my business when other couples have children, I am pretty pro on my own life and feelings. I knew that Scott was going to be the father of my children. I didn't choose him for me, though he is perfect for me in every way. I didn't choose the perfect romancer or the most into sports or the most into appearances and image. I chose a man who I knew was selfless. I chose a man who I knew I wanted as a father to my children. And I was choosing to marry him. The idea that we needed a year to "get to know one another" was kind of a silly one, to be frank. That's what dating is for. And we did that. For an entire year.
By the time we got married, we knew what we wanted for our life together. We knew we wanted a large family. We knew that it would be a sacrifice. We knew that it would be hard. I grew up with 14 kids. I was no stranger to the fact that parenthood is the hardest, most taxing task that Heavenly Father has given us. However, we also knew that from those struggles come the greatest blessings, in this life and in the eternities. So why wait?
So we had Addy. And it was the best decision we ever made. And a close second and third are Ellie and Baby Carter #3.

That being said, motherhood has taught me quite a lot about myself. To the people who talked about how hard newborns are...toddlers are so. much. harder. It's easy to be patient with a child whose only complaints in life are hunger or discomfort. It's much less easy to be patient with the child who checks to see if you're looking before doing something they know they shouldn't, just to turn around and check if you're going to do something about it. It's much easier to care for the needs of an infant who simply needs a diaper as opposed to a toddler who needs to be taught right from wrong and how to love others and how to follow Christ. If I've ever felt inadequate, it's now. When Addy tells me that no, she will not be eating her dinner, a million questions come through my mind. As I'm saying, "Fine, then I guess you don't get brownies" I am also thinking, "is it really worth the fight? Just give the girl a brownie. Maybe she isn't hungry, am I forcing her to eat more than she needs? If I don't make her eat her dinner now, is she going to eat it when she's 10? Is this going to be a power struggle for the rest of my life?" And I have. no. clue. And that's just food. Imagine my brain when she tells me she doesn't want to obey or she doesn't want to follow Jesus (which she only says when she wants to watch a movie on Sunday and I won't let her lol). Being the parent kinda...stinks. I mean, you're in charge now. You're the one solely (with your spouse) responsible for how this kid turns out. Yes, they have their own agency, but you are the one responsible to teach them how to use it. Quite frankly, it scares the living daylights out of me. Motherhood has taught me that I am inadequate.
Now that sounds bad. I don't mean inadequate like worthless. I just mean ... humbled? I realize that I can't do it on my own. Nobody can. And that's ok. Because I don't even have to. Motherhood has taught me to rely on Christ and the Spirit. Even if it's the middle of the night and I think I hear a kid start to cry and I pray, "Please, I need sleep. I can't do tomorrow without sleep." And sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. But you know what? I always make it through "tomorrow." Motherhood has taught me reliance on the Lord.
Motherhood has taught me patience. And continues to. And also the consequences of foregoing patience altogether, which are none too fun. About the third time I rinse out wet undies, my brain starts to implode. When I'm trying to use the restroom and one kid is screaming outside the door and the other is dumping out the cereal, my wits start to fray. Sometimes, I choose to be patient and help the child sweep up the cereal while letting the unhappy one eat if off the floor. And sometimes I snap and they both end up in their rooms for a two minute breather. And once in a while, I even yell. But when do I feel happy? When I feed Ellie cereal off the floor while helping Addy sweep it into a vacuumable pile. Patience is an attribute of God. And that's what we are striving for, right? Motherhood is teaching me patience.
Motherhood is teaching me love. The purest, simplest, yet most profound kind of love. Unconditional and constant. Even on the days when the hour before bedtime is the longest I've yet experienced, after the kids are in bed and the ice cream is eaten, I find myself telling Scott all the cute things Addy said that day. Or watching old videos and thinking that I can't go another ten minutes let alone a night without seeing those girls.
This is only the beginning of a very long list. And I mean, a list so long that no journal or blog could ever hold it, no matter how much blogger storage you buy. But these are perhaps the most important things that motherhood is instilling in me currently. Humility, patience, and love unfeigned.

So, to those who suggest to young couples to wait to have kids: don't. It's none of your business. Because for us, it was the best thing we could have done. It was what the Lord wanted for us. It was what we knew was right for our family. It breaks my heart that people advised us against the most pure and bonding experience we've had as a couple. I don't care how long we waited, I could never have grown to love Scott more than I did in the 12 hours before Addy came into this world. And again with Ellie (only that was 6 hours and much more beautiful thanks to modern medicine and an epidural that worked). Our children have made our marriage stronger. Motherhood has made me a more attentive and loving wife. Certainly more appreciative of the things Scott does.
Now just to be clear, I'm not perfect. Far from it. I'm stepping on cereal and puddles of who-knows-what just like every other mom in the world. But I can see the fruits of my labors. I know that my children will be with us forever if we sacrifice and work enough. I know that obedience to the Lord's commandments brings happiness. And when I get to a day where I just can't handle anymore and I'm going to explode, I try hard to remember that. And guess what? It helps.