Baby Anxiety

This is kid number 4. Kid number 4 is totally different from kids 1, 2, and 3. With kid 1 I worried about every.little.thing. How on Earth are we going to pay for this? Every detail of the birth. Who is going to be on call to deliver? Are the nurses gonna be pushy? I don't want a catheter. The epidural is going to hurt. How on Earth are we going to pay for this? Do I have enough stuff for her? Am I going to be a good mom? How on Earth are we going to pay for this?
With kid number 2, especially since it was another girl, I worried about other things. The birth wasn't scary or unknown. I had a doctor I loved who would guarantee delivery. But I worried about emotions. And breastfeeding, since that didn't work out the first time. Was it my fault I couldn't nurse? Maybe if I drink twice the water and take all those herbs? How am I going to have time for 2 kids? Is Addy going to like her sister?
Kid number 3 was super easy. I didn't really worry about anything. I was pretty sure I had it covered. I knew I had way more than enough "stuff." I'd given birth twice, piece of cake (except not haha). My mom was coming to take my older two for a week so I could rest and figure out my life. Easy peasy.

Each kid came with different challenges and things I had to figure out. But I was never really nervous to have a baby. This time around it's a little different for me. I don't know why. I can't put my finger on it. I'm a total worry wart and I know that about myself, but man, it surprises me how much I can worry! I've had 3 kids who sleep through the night on their own from 2 months on. What are the odds I get another? What is going to happen if he comes out and doesn't sleep at all? It's a boy. Circumcision is different. What if it gets infected or something? Am I going to get mastitis like I did with all the others? When? How many times? It's Winter. What if there's sicknesses going around? Four kids is a lot. What if I just can't hack it? My 3 are more than I can handle right now. Is Ellie going to feel left out? I already feel like she gets less attention than the other two (classic middle child). Am I going to be all hormonally out of sorts like I was after Grace? It's going to be cold and I'm going to be stuck inside. Am I going to go crazy? How and when am I ever going to shop? There's no way I can take all 4 kids anywhere for more than milk, and maybe not even then. Christmas season is awful at work (let's just be honest). Lots of late nights and concerts that seem to overtake any other thing happening in anyone else's lives, even the birth of a child. What if I need help and there's no one to help me (which is just stupid because I have a million amazing friends and my sister is here)? I'm just freaking out about everything. Which feels totally foreign. I usually just can't wait to have the baby, to hold them, to not be pregnant anymore. But this time I feel really anxious.

Don't get me wrong, I cannot wait to meet this boy and see the changes and the different dynamics that he brings. I'm excited to not be pregnant. I'm  excited to have a newborn to snuggle and squish again. But this time I'm nervous. There's more to it than having three. Maybe. Or maybe I'm just worrying myself into a tizzy over nothing. Probably. But hey, parenting is scary!