Feminism, Rape Culture, and Me

This subject just will not leave my mind. I keep researching, watching videos, reading studies, listening to and reading first hand accounts, reading church talks, and praying about how I should feel about this. Lately BYU and BYU-Idaho (by default) have been in the limelight of rape discussions because of the honor code. Apparently girls don't report sexual assault because they are afraid of the repercussions of honor code investigations (they don't want to be suspended). A call for an amnesty clause to mimic Southern Virginia University's has gone out. This clause would essentially make it so that if a girl were breaking the honor code at the time of her assault, she could not be investigated or dealt consequences by the university for those actions. Several prominent spokespeople have joined the cause, Elizabeth Smart one of the more publicly well-known.

Now, when I first read the suggestion, I had two thoughts simultaneously enter my mind. 1. These poor girls who get raped or assaulted at a church school! It's AWFUL that those things happen among a group of people who claim to embrace the gospel. And 2. But is it really fair that these girls get a free pass for violating their agreement upon which their enrollment hinges?

I just want to blog this all out so that my mind can process it and so that I can save and document some of my thoughts. First, my thoughts on the honor code. They aren't necessarily the church's standards. It's not evil to have a beard or wear flip flops. But I do believe that the honor code is a "letter of the law" based on church standards. I think that the clothing that the dress and grooming standards condemn are, in fact, immodest and that the leaders of the church feel that way (they sit on the board that wrote the honor code, you know). And the parts about sexuality and word of wisdom issues (drinking, smoking, drugs, etc) are straight doctrine. I've recently become frustrated with the complete lack of respect for the honor code that I observe around me. Scott has told me of overhearing conversations about "well, I can get away with this or that. I've gotten good at hiding it" (and yes, someone actually said those words). I have seen women around campus dressed blatantly against the dress and grooming standards. Men frequently go without shaving and wear hats inside buildings. Frayed and patched and holey jeans are EVERYWHERE. And it's gotten so much worse since I graduated a short 4 years ago. That being said, I'm kind of irritated with the lack of enforcement. My thing is that if you have an honor code, then either enforce it or don't have it. If it isn't important enough for you to correct girls who don't wear skirts to their knees or guys who don't shave, then don't have a rule about it. Our young people are being taught all too often in today's world that the rules don't apply to them and that's what happens when they disobey the honor code and get away with it. Or when they see their friends get away with it and then decide to brave it themselves.

But that's just the part of the honor code that I see all the time because it's what people are wearing so it's right there in front of you every time you're on campus. The deeper, darker violations are really the things kids do off campus. Drinking, drugs, disregarding curfew, disregarding visitation guidelines, etc are the ones that get ya in real trouble and are the rules that are under fire right now.

Here's my thing. I read an article in the scroll (here) by a girl who had been raped by her best friend's husband. They had all been drinking and when the friend left the husband raped this BYU-Idaho student. I don't believe she was a student at the time and this article wasn't about amnesty or title IX. It was simply about what she had learned. And in the article she said something that I find admirable. She said, "I take responsibility for my decision to drink, but I do not take responsibility for his actions. I may have chosen to drink, but he chose to rape me."

I think that is extremely profound. Did this girl deserve to be raped? NO. Did her drunken state make it okay for a man to take advantage of her? NO.

Another article I read shared the story of a woman who attended a party with a roommate who then left. She let a man she ddn't know walk her home in the dark. After stopping in a secluded place to kiss, he started to put his hands in her pants. She then ran away.

Did this girl deserve to be devalued and treated like cheap goods? NO.

A video featuring Elizabeth Smart showed an interview with a woman who, while attending BYU, started seeing a boy. She liked him and was flattered by his attention (we've all been there). However one night while making out in the car, he tried to touch her chest. This had happened before but this time when she refused he got in the back seat and demanded that she follow or walk home. She walked home. After a week of radio silence that same guy asked her to take a drive with him. And while driving he offered her a drink that he had made just for her. She drank it. And he...any guesses? Raped her. Rapes and abuse continued for three weeks after this incident until she broke up with him.

Did the girl deserve to be raped? NO. Did she deserve to have her trust betrayed and to be made to feel worthless and dirty? NO.

Yet another account. A girl meets a guy on tinder. Meets him at his apartment to have a first date. Instead of taking her to hot chocolate she was driven into the mountains where he molested her.

Did this girl deserve to be molested? NO.

One more. A girl meets an older man who pays attention to her (I married a guy 8 years older than me so no judgement here). She agrees to go to his apartment where he lives alone to look at his music collection. "Somehow" (and I put quotes not to imply guilt but to quote this girl) she ended up in his room without clothes on and was raped and locked up for 2 days. After he let her shower and dropped her off at home, she felt she needed closure and set up a time to meet with this man in person. She was again raped.

Did this girl deserve what she got? NO.

In case you can't tell, I do not in any way condone rape or sexual assault. I think it is awful and evil and there is a special place in Hell for those who violate God's children in this way. I do not think that a girl's clothing or promiscuity or flirting or unwise travel practices earn her any kind of mistreatment or assault. We are all Heavenly Father's children. We all have worth. We all have rights. And we all deserve love and safety.

So do I agree with an amnesty clause? Yes and no. True. More rapes would be reported if women weren't scared to report them. True. I would rather have a woman who stays out late and drinks and does drugs attending BYU than a rapist. True. When something like this occurs the focus should be on the crime. On the actual breaking of the law rather than the breaking of an honor code. So maybe I do agree. Because as humans we aren't perfect and it's better to squelch the lesser of two evils than to allow both to go unpunished because a woman is afraid to come forward.

But, see, here's the deal. Rape is a thing. Date rape is a thing. And no amount of policy change or help for victims is going to change that. And here's where I get in trouble with the feminists. See, I think that prevention is better than post-attack compassion. But, like I said, rape is a thing. And it won't be going away anytime soon. So to prevent my girls from getting raped, I have to focus on their actions and choices. Because I cannot change or control the actions of sexual assailants. They cannot control the actions of rapists. See, this is a hairy area because apparently we live in a rape culture, where if a woman is raped we automatically ask, "What was she wearing? What was she smoking? What did she do to deserve it?" But these are questions I feel we must ask. Not to place blame. Not to lighten the offense of the man. But to inform and to prevent.

So let's go back through these scenarios I have shared. Let me re-emphasize that I in no way condone rape or blame the women of abuse for their plight. NOBODY every earned rape or sexual assault. EVER. I am in no way implying that only bad girls get raped. I am well aware that perfectly virtuous and chaste girls are often targets.

Girl number 1. Raped by her husband's friend. I agree with her sentiment that she chose to drink and he chose to rape her. That is in no way ok. But what is so wrong with teaching my girls that if they do not drink and stay aware of their surroundings and do not allow alcohol or other drugs to cloud their minds, they are more likely to be safe?

Girl number 2. At a party and walked home by a stranger. What is so wrong with teaching my girls that there is power in numbers and that they need to spend time with new people in groups? I did. I spent ample time with Scott as a friend with other friends before we ever went on a date. Could he still have groomed and assaulted me? Yes. Without questions. I'm aware that rapists can be smart. But why can't I teach my girls not to get wrapped up in the moment and make out with a man in a dark corner where no one is nearby?

Girl number 3. This one is hard for me. She starts dating a guy. He's pushy. She's in a car making out with him and when he tries touching her, she resists. AGAIN. No girl ever earns her reward or deserves or asks to be raped. But seriously? Help yourself out! I get low self esteem. I get grooming. I get manipulation and preying on weaknesses. I get that sexual assailants are great at all of these. But at what point do you have to look at it and say, "Woman! GET OUT OF THE CAR!!" And she did. She refused to get in his backseat and walked home rather than let him push her limits. I applauded. Except then it kept going. He ignored her for a week then wanted to talk. Alone. In his car. If I wasn't thinking it before I was thinking it now! Why would you agree to this? I understand being wiling to forgive. I understand that it was her first boyfriend and she felt so needed and loved. So meet him in a public place. But no. She got in a car with him and then drank a drink that he "made just for you." Granted, she said she didn't want to, but he pushed her, so she did. Maybe it's just because we already know the outcome. But if this were in a movie or a show, I would be saying, "Come on woman! Be smarter than that!" And, of course, the drink was drugged and she was raped. But not only this...she continued dating him and being raped for 3 weeks. My heart aches for her! THREE WEEKS before she figured out that she had to get out of this thing. I don't ever want my girls to have such low self esteem that they think they need a guy even if he's a pig. What is wrong with teaching my girls...don't make out with guys in a car! If he tries something inappropriate one time, that's it! Don't let him get to you again! Be strong. Be empowered. You are better than that.

Girl number 4. Agreed to a single date with a man she met online. Assumed she was safe because his profile said LDS. Now, I get that online dating and online everything is just the way of the world these days. But what is wrong with me reading this girl's story and teaching my kids that if you're going to online date then you need to be smart about it! Meet him somewhere. At a park, somewhere where there are people. Drive separate until you know him well enough to make a choice. Do I think that if this girl had done this the first few times that she wouldn't have been assaulted on the 4th date when she decided it was okay to be alone with him? No. But the facts remain that she placed herself in a dangerous situation.

Girl number 5. Goes to a man's apartment alone with him. Knowing he lived there alone. This is just not a safe situation! I understand that you have to get to know someone and you have to do it "alone." But do it alone in public.

I guess what I'm saying is that 4 of 5 of these girls were violating the honor code or church standards at the time of their assault. The other (tinder girl) was just swiped by the wrong guy at the wrong time. And I realize that happens. But why is it so wrong to look at these women who have had to suffer and think "what could they have done differently?" Is it okay to judge them or view them as unclean or evil? No. That's not our job. Is it okay to say that they asked for it or deserved what they got? No. Is it okay to say "well what were they wearing?" No. None of these girls deserved this. But feminists would say that these girls are in NO way responsible for what happened to them. Now, this is somewhat true. They are not responsible for the rape. But they are responsible for their other actions. If my daughter is ever raped, I want her to have two things going for her. 1. I want her to have her Heavenly Father's love so engrained in her that she knows that no matter what she is loved. 2. I want her to be able to look back at her situation and know that she couldn't have done anything differently. I want her not to have regrets. I don't want her to have to think "if only I hadn't been drinking," or "if only I had been home when I should have been."

It's tricky ground here. It would be untrue to say that the reason these girls were raped was because of their choices. The reason they were raped was because they were with scum bag, awful, premeditating men who preyed on them. But it's also true to say that if some of them had made different and more wise choices they could have been spared a lot of grief. Is that always the case? No. Is it my business to second guess a victim's choices after having their world irreparably altered? No. Do I have compassion and sympathy for every rape victim ever, no matter what they were wearing or doing at the time of their assault? Yes. But I want my girls to be taught safety. I want them to be taught virtue. I want them to be taught that they are in charge of their lives and who they let into it and who they trust. I want them to know that they aren't just "victims." Even if something bad does happen to them. They are, then, a victim, But they aren't JUST a victim.

And, more importantly, I want to teach my girls that if they are raped or abused sexually there is NOTHING more important than that. You might get kicked out of BYU? SO WHAT? Someone committed a crime against you. Report it. No matter what. Stand for the right no matter what. Yes, you were a victim of something awful, but you can stop that person from harming others. Report it. Tell someone. Have a rape kit performed. It's embarrassing and hard and awful. Yes. But it matters enough to do it anyway.

Feminists want to push the agenda that women should be the same as (and I think they are aiming for better than) men. We can run as fast. We can play the same sports. We should make the same amount of money. We should get horrendously long paid maternity leave. We shouldn't be told what to wear or how to act or what we can or cannot do by a man. But...when it comes to rape, all bets are off. Then, we are just victims. We had no choice. We had no control. We had no way to know or prevent it. We're just not as smart or as cunning as our captors/rapists. And to me, that's frustrating. Pick a lane here, Private!

I feel that a lot of "slights" in today's world are merely perceived. I've been told that my way of thinking is degrading to women and that my comments are the problem with society. That I was just raised this way and I demean and lower women without even thinking twice about it. Obviously, this is a little offensive to me. I was raised by a mother who epitomizes womanhood. She is smart. She is pure. She is wise. She is funny. She is educated. She is godly. She is kind. She is nurturing. She is hardworking. She taught me that there is nothing I cannot come back from. She has taught me that I am an agent to choose for myself the way my life will turn out. She has taught me that no matter what happens I am a daughter of God. She has taught me to be humble and submissive. She has taught me to stand up for myself and my kids. She has taught me to take responsibility for my choices and to overcome challenges with grace and persistence. Teaching women that they are merely victims and should be treated with amnesty and disregard for their actions isn't empowering. Teaching women that they can choose and that they can protect themselves and think on their feet? That's empowering. So yes. I will teach my girls that rape is heinous and awful and that Heavenly Father loves and has compassion for every victim. But I will also teach them that there are measures they can take to ensure their safety. I will teach them that they can overcome hard things. That they can stand for what is right even when it's hard. I will teach them to demand respect and to abandon relationships with young men where there isn't any. They can choose that. They can choose not to drink the special drink. They can choose not to get in a car with a man who has previously behaved inappropriately. Because they are powerful. They are strong. They are women.

So amnesty clause or no amnesty clause? Honestly, in a better world I would disagree with it. Because in a better world, rapes would be reported despite fear of injustice and rapists would be adequately (like that's possible) punished. An amnesty clause, in this better world, teaches women that just because someone sinned worse than them they don't have to be punished while the man does. It creates an illusion that their sins aren't really sins or that they don't matter when, in fact, they do. I don't think that Jesus will stand at the judgement bar and condemn them for their rape. But I do think they will have to answer for being dishonest in their dealings with their fellowmen (if they're breaking the honor code) or for disobeying the word of wisdom. Are the punishments for sexual assault and drinking the same? NO. But there are consequences for both. And in a better world, that would just have to be accepted. Sure, he goes to jail (I know that doesn't always happen in our world, but we're talking about the better world right now) and you would come out fine and clean in an honor code investigation. Or you would be given a consequence fitting to your actions.

But since we are only human, and we live in such a messed up world, maybe we have to pick. Maybe we have to decide to punish the crime and sweep the lesser offenses under the rug.