I'm Me Again

Honestly, I'm just writing this post for me. Sometimes I have feelings that I want to remember and record that are sort of private, that I don't want to post on a public blog. And then I read someone else's blog about their deepest feelings and struggles, and I feel buoyed up. I feel comfort and many times have had spiritual experiences. So I keep blogging. Plus, there just isn't a more convenient way to have a journal than to have one place to keep pictures and words and videos. I love technology for providing me with this opportunity!

Those of you who know me are probably aware that I have dealt with post partum depression, in some degree with each of my kids, but the worst with the last two. It seems to get worse each time. I'm not sure what all goes on with my hormones, but they're freaking crazy. A lot of times, I hate my body. I'm not even talking the whole mom tummy and muffin top aspect (which also really bothers me). I'm talking about how it functions. I get frustrated with the limitations that it puts on me that I've never had to deal with before. I feel weighed down by this imperfect brain that can't balance its own hormones, for goodness sake.

It's so hard to explain this phenomenon to people. Having my children is both the most happy, blissful, perfect experience ever. And also the worst. Take Beefy for example. I cherished every moment of his babyhood. I loved every snuggle. I kissed his face more times than he'd care to live through and I've squished him and giggled with him and loved him. He has been the best thing to ever happen to our family of girls (and Scott). I LOVED his first year. And hated it. Everything about him was perfect. Everything about my family was perfect. And yet, outside of them, I was miserable. How does that even make sense?! How can you be blissfully happy and so miserable all at once? I mean seriously guys, depression is kind of a marvel.

Anyway. The point of this post is that I'm finally me again. I think there are a lot of factors that kicked into this. For one thing, the older he gets, the more balanced my hormones are. They level out. And that's honestly the biggest factor. But there are others. For one thing, I've started teaching Chinese kids English online. And I love it. I haven't even gotten paid yet, so it's not the money. There are so many things I love about it. It gets me up and going early. It starts my day productive instead of groggy. I get woken up by an alarm or my body instead of a kid (I love my kids, and I even love when they get in bed with me, but let's be honest...it's not always the best wake up). I feel a sense of fulfillment that comes from teaching. I love teaching. I've always loved it. And I'm so grateful to be able to use my skills from my degree to do something for others. I just love it.

Another factor is Scott's job. I can handle a lot for 5 days a week, but 7 days a week, week in and week out is just hard for me. I love that he's home on weekends and most evenings. I love that we get to see him and have a routine. Those things help me.

My body is amazing. Blah, blah, blah. I get so tired of all the posts about how we should love our fat bodies, or how by loving our fat bodies we're teaching our children unhealthy habits, or that we should compliment our children's work instead of their bodies because they can't control what hair they have or how big their nose is or isn't. I get it. I'm a daughter of God and my body is a temple. And I'm grateful for it. I'm not down playing that in any way, shape or form. But can we take a minute to just acknowledge that bodies suck sometimes? Things break or stretch or sag or malfunction. Hormones go all funky and trap us in a battle of "I'm so awesome" against "I'm ruining my kids and my husband and my life."

But for now, I feel normal. I'm so grateful for the last 2 or 3 months that have gotten me there. And I'm grateful for the year before that. Kind of. I've learned so much about myself. I've learned so much about the Savior. I've learned empathy. I've learned true gratitude for angels who follow promptings. I've learned to judge a little less. I've learned to be more patient with people. Except if you leave your grocery cart in the middle of the parking lot. That's going to take a lot more growing for me to understand...

It's true, isn't it? That Heavenly Father gives us the things we need. Even if they're trials. It's true that He lets us struggle. But it's also true that He helps us when we ask (and often when we don't). It's true that trials shape us and change us. It's true that, somehow, in a weird way, I'm grateful for the trials over the last year and a half. But it's also true that I'm so freaking glad that's over! :)