Over My Head...

Just a few thoughts :) As a mother, I am in over my head. My children are amazing. Addy is brilliant. She has all her hundreds of books memorized. There are so many that she can practically read to herself. She can sing just about any song I've ever sang once or twice. She can make connections that I totally miss and she can turn something naughty into a total joke when she realizes that I was watching. Ellie is so sweet. And I mean SO sweet. This baby girl hardly cries. She eats like a champ and sleeps 13 hours a night or more. She just learned to crawl and sit up by herself and pull herself up to her knees on the window sills, mommy, or the chairs. She chases Lola all over the house trying to pull her tail and sometimes she even catches her! She smiles for Daddy no matter what mood she's in. Even when she's super tired or teething or just in a really reflective, somber mood. She loves baths like I've never seen a baby love a bath, and Addy is quite the fish.
I think I've proven my point. My children are amazing. My children are perfect. They truly are. If they were to die now, they would become perfect resurrected beings, and gain entry to the Celestial kingdom. They are as close to Christ as human beings can get. Think about it. It's true. They are perfect. And I am ... well ... not. I am nothing spectacular. I'm just a 23 year old girl who has woken up to find herself married and the mother of two! Quite the wake up call sometimes! I am imperfect. I get impatient. Sometimes I assume that Addy has done something naughty just because Ellie is crying and get her in trouble before realizing I was wrong. Sometimes, I brush over teaching moments because I'm simply not in the mood. Sometimes I expect Addy to act like a 5 year old, rather than the 2 year old she is entitled to be.
I think I've proven another point. I am not amazing. I am not perfect. There is nothing more humbling than having children. They have a way of making crystal clear your imperfections and your short comings. Sometimes I am frustrated with myself.
As a wife, I am in over my head. My husband is amazing. He is kind and considerate. He is hard working and motivated. He works a full time job and then comes home with energy and love to spare and give to us. He sacrifices everything: time, money, freedom, time for our family. He meets every need I have before I even know I have it. He parents our girls with love and patience and respect. He leads our family in the gospel and through the world.
I think I've proven yet another point. My husband is amazing. And once again, I am ... well ... not. I don't have the house clean each day when he gets home. Sometimes I choose not to cook when I am perfectly capable just because I am lazy (and he never complains about that either). Sometimes I am impatient with him because I am tired or don't feel good, or am just in a crappy mood. I am in over my head.

Now, those things said, let's focus on the point of this whole thing. Perfection as a person is a goal, not a reality. It's something that we work on little by little, line upon line. I cannot always be a perfect mom. I cannot alway be a perfect wife. But there are some things I can be perfect at. I can be perfect at loving my husband and children at all times and in all places. I can be perfect at forgiving my children and husband (because let's face it, if I'm mad, it's my fault and none of theirs). I can be perfect at trying. I can constantly be working at perfection. And for those of you who know me, you can attest that I am in over my head! :)

I love my family with everything that I am. I love being a mother. I have often thought about how my life would be if we had chosen to wait or if I had simply not wanted kids at all. Scott would have a job. I would have a job. We would be loaded. Or at least a lot more loaded than we are now :) We could travel wherever we wanted to go without worrying about diapers and activities that children would enjoy. I could go to every show Scott mixes (kids under 6 aren't allowed). I would be skinny!!!!!! I would definitely be able to recall when I last bought a pair of jeans that weren't used or shoes that were more than $10. We would drive a nice car. Not new, but nicer than the piece of crud Saturn sitting in my garage. I would probably still wish I had a minivan though...We would have a nice date night or two each week without having to worry about babysitters or how old kids are before the buffet charges, etc. I could carry a purse instead of a diaper bag! Have I painted the picture? We would be "happy." Except, not really. We may think we are happy. We may even be happy. But we would have no idea what we were missing out on.
We would be missing the midnight smiles and the first giggles of a baby. We would be missing the love and appreciation for each other that comes from watching a mother carry and deliver a baby and then a father and mother love that little baby with all they have. We would be missing the stare of little eyes and the touch of little fingers. We would be missing the joy that comes into a child's face when they recognize you and love you as their parent. We would be missing the fun that comes with enjoying something with a child for their first time. The wonderment that comes with the world being completely new and foreign. We would be missing the frustration and humiliation of a screaming child in the grocery store and having no idea why we are doing this until some old lady smiles at the kids and you know she's missing it and all the sudden you're happy about it. We'd be missing the strollers and the car seats and the minivan. We'd be missing the Disney movies and the children's books. We'd be missing that feeling you get every once in a while that you're someone's hero. We'd be missing life. We'd be missing who we really are and are meant to be. We'd be missing what Heavenly Father has in store for us. We'd be missing true love. I am so grateful for the opportunity to try. :) Random thoughts, but I just wanted to write them down so I'd remember. Have a good night all :)
Addy, who I put down to sleep before sitting down to write this, just tiptoed out of her room and climbed up on my lap. She wrapped her arms around my neck and whispered, "I love you momma." And then giggled when I kissed her neck. Yeah. I'd be missing that too <3 nbsp="" p="">