Why I Didn't Pray About Who I Married

I know, it sounds crazy. That's what everyone says. You have to pray about who to marry. It's the biggest decision you make and you need help. I agree whole-heartedly with the second statement. Here's how I got there :)

Dating one person steadily is an exhilarating time. Rose-colored glasses, those butterflies, anxious excitement, you name it. You get all twitter-pated and flirtatious and, quite frankly, stupid. Praying about a specific person while in the emotional high of the dating stage is really quite pointless. You only want one answer, and are most likely only going to hear one answer. I know there's stories. The stupor of thought, forgetting the thing you're praying about, a definite "no!" But those are exceptions, I feel like. Agency is a huge gift from our Heavenly Father. He won't take it away. He will let you make wrong decisions. He will let you marry someone who isn't your best match. He will let you pick. That's the beauty of agency.

I personally believe that the hard work has to be done beforehand. You know those lists we all make in our teenage years? The one with all the qualities we want in a future spouse? Those lists are important. Those lists should be prayerfully made, changed, and revisited very often throughout adolescence and the dating stage.

So here was my approach to courtship and selecting a partner. I made a list. The things I wanted. Not things like "tall, dark and handsome." But the things that I really wanted. And then I took that list to the Lord and asked for His help in editing and adding. My experiences helped shape my list. I had that list so engrained in my mind that it was almost obsessive. I had to because, and anyone who knows me will attest, I was a little boy crazy and a lot of twitter-pated. A lot of times. But I had my list to ground me.

So I dated a guy right out of high school. He was sweet. He flirted and wrote me love letters and took me dancing. He held my hand and he made me smile. But he evaded some of my questions too. At first I thought he was just shy and he always redirected the conversation back to me and I loved talking so I didn't take much notice. And then I realized that some "list" things were missing. I got lost in the dark in my car one night trying to find my family where they were camping in a new spot. After driving around for an hour or so and not finding them, I drove back to the road where I had service and called my boyfriend. He laughed at me. I was seriously crying, scared, freaked out. And he laughed at me and told me to "calm down and quit psyching yourself out." Now this was probably fine advice, but it was the way he said it. I wasn't pretending to be scared or being dramatic. I was legitimately scared. We broke up shortly after that. I didn't pray about whether or not I should marry this person, but I did pray about how I wanted my husband to treat me when I was scared. I knew I needed someone who would help me work through my fears instead of brushing them off. So I added that to my list. That is just one example.

Enter Scott. The first time I met him I was just moving into my apartment. I'll be honest. When he first walked in, I was in no way attracted to him. His hair (which needed cut badly haha) was sticking straight up, he didn't look athletic, and he wasn't "my type." I said hi and continued about my task of unpacking. But, thank goodness, we were FHE siblings here at school. So I got to watch him every Monday for a few months. I noticed some things. He was always in a good mood and made the best of every downside. He was very spiritual and in touch with the gospel. He served faithfully in his calling. He treated every girl with respect. I never heard him say anything disrespectful of anyone.

We ended up deciding to just give it a try. We went on some dates, held hands, and TALKED. We talked a lot. And I was very upfront. I asked all the hard questions. How many kids do you want? Where do you want to live? Do you want to vaccinate your kids? What do you want to do for a living and where? What's your back-up plan? When and how did you gain your testimony of the gospel? We got those out of the way pretty quick.

Then I started to notice things I kinda liked about him. His perfect teeth. Those blue eyes that I'm so grateful to see on my beautiful girls' faces. That muscle between your forefinger and thumb that most people don't know they have? Scott's is like, HUGE. Also, his forearms. :) You get the idea. Physical attraction began developing very soon after observing his personality. (And, to be blunt, it hasn't really quit growing since...)

Now, on Scott's side, he was 26 years old. He had dated a plethora of girls. He knew exactly what he wanted and it didn't take him long to realize it was me. I'm not being cocky. Ask him. He'll tell you the same thing. However, my parents were a little worried (an eight year gap in age is kind of a big one for your 19-year-old college freshman). So I knew that we would have to date for a long time. I wanted to see him in a broad spectrum of circumstances and be sure he was really what I wanted. If I was going to go against my parents I had better be sure, right? So we dated for a year.

I watched Scott. I watched how he treated his mom and sisters. He was completely respectful and ignored flaws and quirks perfectly. He never pointed out bad things. He never made judgmental statements. I watched how he did at school. I told him that if he couldn't get straight A's for a semester then I couldn't marry him. He did it. :) I watched him at work. He paid attention to detail. I watched how he treated me. He was patient and forgiving and gentle and real. He nourished my good qualities and forgave my bad. He loved kids and wanted a lot. He fulfilled his calling and went above and beyond in everything people do. He served anybody any chance he got. He laughed, all the time. He had a career plan with very specific goals and felt that he had been guided and blessed in his path there. He catered to my emotions. He handled them delicately. But he also corrected me a couple of times, but he did it lovingly and I responded to that well. He was my list. He wanted his wife to be a stay-at-home mom and was willing to work to ensure that. He was willing to stand by me through some very trying and very emotional trials. He stuck with it when things were tough with my family. He proved that I was number one to him and always would be. I watched him worthily and wisely use his Priesthood. These are in no particular order and this is by no means a conclusive list, but you get the idea.

He met the criteria that Heavenly Father and I had lined out. I worked hard. I did my research. I didn't have to ask Heavenly Father specifically about Scott because I already knew that Scott was the kind of man that Heavenly Father helped me to dream up. Did I pray to feel the Spirit to guide me in my decisions? Absolutely. Did I pray for discernment in whether or not I could trust Scott's answers to my questions? Absolutely. But did I kneel down and say, "Heavenly Father, should I marry Scott?" No. I didn't. Because I already knew.

Almost five years later I am learning that there was so much more potential than I could have seen. And I am eternally grateful for the list that Scott met. I have seen those traits work in our marriage daily. I am so grateful for the guidance that I received from Heavenly Father and for the choice that I was free to make. And I am so grateful that I did. :)

Disclaimer: I am by no means implying that we do not need to consult the Lord or that He won't answer our prayers in regards to who to marry. I am also not implying that this is the only right way to go about this. I'm simply saying that we can't simply find someone we like and say "Hey, can I pick this one?" We must do our part, seeking help all along the way instead of just at the pinnacle of courtship. :)