I recently read an article about why children turn out the way they do that has been going around on Facebook. I should stop reading such articles. Because they make me think and dwell on something until I have formed a very strong opinion about it. The article I read can be found
here. The part I would like to focus on is as follows:
It appears that 50% of what causes a youth to turn out the way he or she does as an adult is based on the quality of his or her spirit before he or she is born.
25% is based on the environment the youth grows up in. Whether it is ancient Egypt, Jerusalem in the middle of time, modern Afghanistan, or modern Utah. This 25% includes genetic and biological issues as well.
And the final 25% is split in half by the primary mother figure and the primary father figure. In other words, you have about 12.5% influence on the way your youth turns out.
As you can probably guess, I have an issue with this theory. Now let me state: I am by no means an expert. By no means. But I am observant. And I am a parent. Of a 2 year old, I realize, but a parent none the less. I also am the oldest of 14 kids. Now don't anybody go jumping down my throat for claiming that 100% of how a kid turns out is on the parents' shoulders. But I am absolutely convinced that it's a heck of a lot more than 12.5%. To be honest, I feel that this is what Satan wants us to believe. That we are next to irrelevant in our child's lives and how they turn out. That we are not in any way responsible for how our children turn out. That we, as parents, aren't all that important. I've spent quite some time reading articles and talks about motherhood. And I also studied family studies and child development as my major in college. So, while I have not worked in the field, I do have some background knowledge.
Now let me share some examples that I have seen in my life, like this man shares in his article. I have a friend from high school who was having problems with her boys. They were unruly and unkind. They were selfish and needy. They were 8 and 6. She didn't enjoy being a mother and felt she was a failure at it. Then she started attending church. It wasn't even an LDS church, mind you. But she started to teach her boys about Christ. She started to teach them about kindness and hold them responsible for their actions. She started to be a parent. And guess what? Those boys are only 2 years older now, and could still turn out to be delinquents I suppose, but they are now kind. They don't fight with one another or other kids at school. They are getting better grades and making better choices. I don't believe that this is only 12.5% because of what my friend did. This mother changed her parenting and, in so doing, changed her kids.
Now let me here acknowledge agency. We've always had it. Heavenly Father, being the perfect parent, lost some of his children to Satan and his teachings before this world was created. So are we 100% in charge of how our kids turn out? No. Are there faithful and good parents whose children are split in their obedience to the gospel? Yes. Absolutely. So with that being said, let me emphasize here that I am simply saying that as a mother, I certainly have more effect on my child than does their physical environment. And I believe I can also influence the condition of that child's spirit. Isn't that our job? I do not believe that children come as they come and there's nothing I can do about it. I believe that they do come with their own personality and temperament, but that I can shape them and help them to reach their potential. I have a brother who hates school. That's how he came. He used to hide behind our house rather than go to school, in fact. But my wise mother taught him the importance of education. She focused her efforts on talking with his teachers and finding ways to help him enjoy learning. She held him accountable for his grades and his report cards. She helped with homework when it was necessary and made sure that it got done. And guess what? That brother has always had good grades. He has to work harder than some of my other siblings. But he did it. So here's my question to you: would he have, as a five year old, decided that school was important and a worth while use of time? I can guarantee you he would not have. But because of his mother, his attitude changed and his behavior changed.
I realize that is a temporal example. So what about things spiritual? It doesn't matter how much you cram the gospel into their minds. They must accept it. They must gain their own testimonies. But I accept that I have more than 12.5% effect on whether or not they choose to do this. And I believe that the general authorities believe this too. And that the scriptures teach it. This man, in his article, refers to Alma the younger and states that, despite the efforts of his father, he had a long period of delinquency. But let's read what Alma the Younger said, in his own words while counseling his son, Helaman, from Alma 36:
16 And now, for three days and for three nights was I racked, even with the
a of a
b soul.
17 And it came to pass that as I was thus
a with torment, while I was
b by the
c of my many sins, behold, I
d also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.
18 Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God,
a mercy on me, who am
bthe
c, and am encircled about by the everlasting
d of
e.
19 And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my
a b; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.
Now, notice that he said that when we was racked with torment, what did he think about? He thought about his father's teachings. And remembered how to repent, which was something his father had taught him. I venture to say that these teachings and the diligence of his father had more than 12.5% effect on Alma's life.
Another example lies in Helaman's stripling warriors. Alma 56:
48 And they rehearsed unto me the words of their
a, saying: We
b not doubt our mothers knew it.
These young men went into battle without fear. Were their spirits valiant? Yes. Before they came to earth were their spirits more valiant than my children's' spirits? No, I do not believe so. They remained valiant and true because their mothers taught them. They were faithful because of their mothers. Sounds like more than 12.5% to me.
Now let's read some quotes from modern day prophets and apostles. I truly think they credit parents more than a combined 25%. But you be the judge.
In April 2010, Elder L. Tom Perry said, in his address titled "Mothers Teaching Children in the Home":
Teaching in the home is becoming increasingly important in today’s world, where the influence of the adversary is so widespread and he is attacking, attempting to erode and destroy the very foundation of our society, even the family. Parents must resolve that teaching in the home is a most sacred and important responsibility. While other institutions, such as church and school, can assist parents to “train up a child in the way he [or she] should go” (Proverbs 22:6), ultimately this responsibility rests with parents. According to the great plan of happiness, it is parents who are entrusted with the care and development of our Heavenly Father’s children. Our families are an integral part of His work and glory—“to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man” (Moses 1:39). On God’s eternal stage, it is usually intended that parents act as the central cast members in their children’s lives.
"...ultimately this responsibility rests with parents." It is our job and our duty to teach our children.
In the August 2004 Ensign, President James E. Faust stated:
I also believe that there is no greater good in all the world than motherhood. The influence of a mother in the lives of her children is beyond calculation.
Did you read that? A mother's influence is beyond calculation.
Beyond calculation. And, I would venture to guess, beyond 12.5%. I believe that it is Satan who would have us believe that our role is measly. That we have virtually no influence over how our children turn out.
In my own life, I have parents who teach the gospel actively in our home. My father is an amazing teacher and has helped me to develop my testimony of Christ. My mother's example in supporting her husband in church callings also helped me to develop a testimony and appreciation for the gospel and the blessings that come from living it. Now, as an adult, I am an active member of the church and have an ever-growing testimony of the gospel. Does that mean my spirit was/is more valiant than my friends who struggle? I don't believe so.
In his article, the man states that parenting is more about our own development than our child's. I do agree with this statement. Nothing brings a husband and wife closer or a husband/wife closer to the Lord than partnering with him to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. But this is only half the story.
Even in the studies done by non-LDS entities, fathers have been proven to be essential to the well-being of children in general. This is not to say a single mother cannot hack it. I just listened to Elder Oaks give a devotional here at BYU-I. He was raised by a single mom. Wow. She did a stellar job. And he credits her for it, by the way. But in general, as proven by studies today, children who grow up without fathers are more likely to serve jail time, more likely to do poorly in school, more likely to become abusive, and the list goes on and on. Now this is a general statement, so there are, of course, exceptions. But are you really going to look me in the eye and tell me that my husband only has 12.5% effect on how our kids turn out? I would probably try to be nice to you, but you'd be able to tell on my face (my husband tells me I suck at hiding my feelings) that I think you're dead wrong.
Numerous studies have also shown that children who grow up in abusive homes are far more likely to then turn around and repeat the cycle. There's a whole chapter on it in our child development books. Are you really going to tell me that these children are simply less valiant in spirit than others who grow up in loving homes? I hope not.
I think I've hounded my point enough. While there are other influences in our children's' lives, it is "ultimately" our responsibility. We should be the influence in our children's lives that guide them and influence them. And guess what? That means not being lazy. Today, I was a lazy mom. Addy was whiny and defiant all day and I just ignored it half the time and the other half I was frustrated. I let her watch more TV than usual just to keep her out of my hair. And maybe I feel guilty and that's why I'm writing this :S What I should have done was snuggle her and read with her. Listen to what she wanted and explain why it's not okay to eat two suckers before breakfast rather than telling her no and telling her to cry in her room. Wow. I'm sounding like an awful mom. It's not always like this. It was just a really bad day! Anyway, we can't be lazy. We have to be courageous. One of my favorite talks of all time, "Courageous Parenting" can be found
here. In it, he discusses how we are responsible to do the hard thing rather than the easy thing. We are responsible, in part, for choosing what influences our child has in their lives. We need to tell them "no" when they are 14 and want to date. We need to enforce our rules diligently. We need to teach them correct principles and let them govern themselves until their poor choices require us to step in. We need to be the bad guy. We can't be their besties. It's not our job. Our job is to protect them from harmful influences. Our job is to teach them righteousness. And if they then stray when they no longer live in our house and we cannot control them or their choices, our job is to pray for them and encourage them to come back to the fold. The angel who appeared to Alma the younger told him that it was because of his father's prayer and fasting that the Lord had sent him. So even then, Alma's father was having an effect. And having an angel show up and induce the three days that Alma the Younger went through next sure sounds like more than 12.5% to me.
I don't want to make myself over important. I'm not declaring myself almighty and saying that I
will insure that my children turn out 100% righteous. They do have their agency. I am, again, simply stating that this whole 25% shared responsibility thing is a bunch of bunk. Parents are more relevant than that when we take responsibility for teaching and instructing and disciplining our children.
