Getting Crap Together

Aw, pregnancy. It's the most beautiful and natural thing in the world. There's nothing that can make you feel so happy and content as to know that you are creating a little body with the love of your life and bringing one of Heavenly Father's children into this world. However, if we're being completely honest, there's also nothing quite like it that will change you into a completely different (and maybe certifiably insane) version of yourself. Sure, it's beautiful and natural and sacred as you join with Heavenly Father to create a body for one of His children so that spirit can come one step closer to becoming like their Heavenly Father. There's nothing like feeling those sweet kicks and getting to know a very real and living person before anyone else gets the chance. There's nothing in the world like it. On the flip side, there's nothing like your hormones conspiring with Satan to bring your whole world crashing down! 

Again. I'm being honest here...The last few weeks have been...rough. I've been a grouchy mom. I've been a grouchy wife. I've been a total slacker. I've gotten really huge, which makes me pretty grouchy. I haven't been the best friend because I've been too wrapped up in my own little world. In short, I've not been "myself." 

Yesterday I went over to a friend's house because she was having a rough day. I thought I would go and help her to feel better by offering whatever advise I had or just lending an ear. Oh, and of course bringing her some pumpkin chapstick because she loves pumpkin and who doesn't love chapstick? Though I did rescue her husband from having to come home and kill a spider by sucking it up with a vacuum, she definitely helped me more than I helped her. I totally unloaded on her. About how overwhelmed I feel by my three kids and the never ending battle of trying to keep the house clean that I have lately abandoned because, well, I just didn't' feel like it. Maybe it was that she was in her pajamas or that I saw her house not perfectly clean (cuz ya know, there was like 5 pieces of yarn on the floor), but I felt super vulnerable and I felt the Spirit so strongly talking with her. And I realized something. I'm losing my crap! And I gotta get it together because in four weeks I am going to have four kids and, let's face it, life isn't getting any easier any time soon.

I realized that most of the things that have me down and out are my own dang fault. So you feel fat? Get your butt on an afternoon walk and quit eating ice cream for lunch. Your house is a mess? Suck it up and spend half an hour after the kids are asleep to pick it up. You feel terrible for not cooking a real meal for a while? Make a list of yummy food and put on a show for the kids and make it! 

While being a mom is the most challenging thing I've ever done, it's also the most rewarding. And like everything else worth doing or having, it is what you make of it. So I'm going to make it better. I'm going to quit being grouchy. I'm going to kick Satan's trash. Because my family is worth it. My home is worth it. I'm worth it. 

I would also be remiss if I didn't throw in a quit shout out to my husband. He's my rock. He doesn't tell me I'm being a grouchy brat. He genuinely thinks I'm sexy (yeah, I don't get it either). He NEVER complains about pizza rolls for dinner again (in fact, he asks for them because he knows they're easy, and also delicious) and he NEVER utters a word about the state of the house when he gets home. He gets up with the kids at 6:30 so that I can sleep until 7. He tells me every day that he loves me. He vacuums, sweeps and mops because he knows those things hurt my back. He loves me no matter what. And he deserves the world. But since I can't give him that, I'll settle for making him real food and making his bed :)

Also, my sister has been in town going to school and I am going to cry every day when she leaves me in December. She cleans my kitchen and loves my kids and laughs at my jokes and doesn't judge me.

In short, I'm one lucky girl. Pregnancy has a weird way of making me forget that sometimes. But no more. No more putting the kids to bed and falling on the bed, vowing to not lift another finger until the morning. No more complaining. No more excuses. I'm going to get to work. If I can't hack it now, I'll never be able to once I throw in another human. So here's to this week. Get it together Shiloh!

Baby Anxiety

This is kid number 4. Kid number 4 is totally different from kids 1, 2, and 3. With kid 1 I worried about every.little.thing. How on Earth are we going to pay for this? Every detail of the birth. Who is going to be on call to deliver? Are the nurses gonna be pushy? I don't want a catheter. The epidural is going to hurt. How on Earth are we going to pay for this? Do I have enough stuff for her? Am I going to be a good mom? How on Earth are we going to pay for this?
With kid number 2, especially since it was another girl, I worried about other things. The birth wasn't scary or unknown. I had a doctor I loved who would guarantee delivery. But I worried about emotions. And breastfeeding, since that didn't work out the first time. Was it my fault I couldn't nurse? Maybe if I drink twice the water and take all those herbs? How am I going to have time for 2 kids? Is Addy going to like her sister?
Kid number 3 was super easy. I didn't really worry about anything. I was pretty sure I had it covered. I knew I had way more than enough "stuff." I'd given birth twice, piece of cake (except not haha). My mom was coming to take my older two for a week so I could rest and figure out my life. Easy peasy.

Each kid came with different challenges and things I had to figure out. But I was never really nervous to have a baby. This time around it's a little different for me. I don't know why. I can't put my finger on it. I'm a total worry wart and I know that about myself, but man, it surprises me how much I can worry! I've had 3 kids who sleep through the night on their own from 2 months on. What are the odds I get another? What is going to happen if he comes out and doesn't sleep at all? It's a boy. Circumcision is different. What if it gets infected or something? Am I going to get mastitis like I did with all the others? When? How many times? It's Winter. What if there's sicknesses going around? Four kids is a lot. What if I just can't hack it? My 3 are more than I can handle right now. Is Ellie going to feel left out? I already feel like she gets less attention than the other two (classic middle child). Am I going to be all hormonally out of sorts like I was after Grace? It's going to be cold and I'm going to be stuck inside. Am I going to go crazy? How and when am I ever going to shop? There's no way I can take all 4 kids anywhere for more than milk, and maybe not even then. Christmas season is awful at work (let's just be honest). Lots of late nights and concerts that seem to overtake any other thing happening in anyone else's lives, even the birth of a child. What if I need help and there's no one to help me (which is just stupid because I have a million amazing friends and my sister is here)? I'm just freaking out about everything. Which feels totally foreign. I usually just can't wait to have the baby, to hold them, to not be pregnant anymore. But this time I feel really anxious.

Don't get me wrong, I cannot wait to meet this boy and see the changes and the different dynamics that he brings. I'm excited to not be pregnant. I'm  excited to have a newborn to snuggle and squish again. But this time I'm nervous. There's more to it than having three. Maybe. Or maybe I'm just worrying myself into a tizzy over nothing. Probably. But hey, parenting is scary!

Happy Birthday, Addy!

I have been a parent for four years. Four years. When I think about that span of time, it doesn't sound like much. After all, it's only four years. But when you really think about it, four years is a long time to do anything! Like, high school for example. That was "only 4 years" and yet it lasted  a lifetime. When I look back on Addy's life I think, "the past four years have literally flown by!" And at the same time I think about everything I have done, dealt with, and learned in these four years and it quickly turns into an eternity because there is so much. I've given birth without an epidural (it wasn't by choice and I'll never do it again I surely hope). I've struggled with breastfeeding and mastitis. I've nursed a kid back to health from any illness you can name (strep, RSV, hand, food and mouth to name a few). I've been mother to a 16 month old in a body cast for a month after she broke her femur. I've tried my hardest to teach respect and kindness. I've corrected mistakes and applauded success. I've wept over my inadequacies. I've even occasionally patted myself on the back for a parenting scenario well-handled. I've learned to love unconditionally. I've learned to keep going when I'm tired and when it's time to take a step back and let some things go. When I think about everything Addy has taught me in the last four years I realize that I can't remember not having her in my life. And I don't want to. She made me a mother. She is the real-life manifestation of all my dreams coming true. She is my daughter. And I'm so grateful for these four years I've had with her and the many more to come!

Look at me! I'm so good at making other peoples' days all about me! This was Addy's day! Happy birthday my sweet girl!

Addy loves to play. She's constantly saying "I want to do something fun with you!" Her imagination is wilder than mine, which is saying quite a bit. She dreams vividly and remembers them and tells them to her sisters at breakfast. She loves to teach. Lately she's been learning how to do something and then helping Ellie learn to do it too. Letters and numbers are no problem for Addy. She loves flashcards and matching games. Grandpa's Lee's competitiveness got into her blood and this girl loves to win! She's getting really good at following rules and learning strategy. Go Fish and Candy Land are among her favorite games. She hates chores, but pushes through them. She likes to be my errand girl though and that's rather nice :) She is a negotiator. She knows how to get what she wants and tricks me into it all the time. She loves her sisters. She plays with them and reads to them. She LOVES books and memorizes them at an incredible efficiency. There is no skipping words or lines when trying to shorten a bedtime story.

All in all, this girl is a fire ball. And I love her. Here are a few pictures from her birthday celebration. A day all about Addy!

We started out with banana pancakes with "Daddy's special syrup" (homemade buttermilk) and whipped cream. :)



Then, we read and played until quiet time when Addy helped decorate her cake. She did most of it on her own! I was so proud of her! She did a better job than I could most likely!

 Next we decorated these crowns to use for our party hats :) I didn't get any pictures of the actual decorating because I was a lot a bit busy policing the sharpies (they were the only kind that would write on it!) and glue. But the girls loved it. They each decorated three, one for themselves and two for our guests.

 Next we ate a marvelous dinner of, you guessed it, pizza. Addy was in heaven. Then we played pin the gem on the crown. Addy's daddy was nice enough to cut her out a big crown and mom cut out some very asymmetrical gems :)

Even Grace wanted in on the fun! She was so cute about it. But she DID NOT want to be blindfolded!


Next we opened gifts. Addy was so spoiled :) She got some bath tub princess toys, some Melissa and Doug cutting food, mixing utensils and bowls, and a game from mom and dad. From Mimi she got a computer and from Tony she got play-do and a cute bag. She was in heaven. She says her food is her favorite, but she's been playing with that computer from Mimi an awful lot...Shall we call it a draw? :)

 And then, of course, cake and ice cream!

 This morning we got up and played cooks. Then Addy chilled on the couch with her computer for a while before we all played play-doh. Happy birthday Addy, I hope you loved it!

Baby Boy Blue

I just wanted to take a moment and record some things about this pregnancy. It's been SO different! With my girls I was sick in the beginning. Less so each time. With Addy I threw up every day. Ellie I was sick enough for my doctor to prescribe zofran but I didn't rely on it. Grace I just felt yucky a lot but never threw up. This pregnancy: NO NAUSEA. Like seriously. Maybe 3 or 4 days through the entire time that I've felt sick to my stomach. Which was SUCH a blessing having 3 kids under 3. I was really nervous about feeling sick and still having to suck it up and live life. But I didn't have to. :)

Heartburn. I'm 30 weeks now and I can count on my fingers the 12 hour pills I've consumed. And they've all been pretty recent. With my girls I started with horrendous heartburn every day no matter when or what I ate at about 12 weeks. This is perhaps the best part about this pregnancy.

Sleep. It's been glorious. I do get really tired, which has been the biggest side effect for me this go around. But I sleep. My hips don't ache all night long. My back has been bothering me but it didn't start until around 25 weeks, whereas with my girls it was pretty uncomfy from 20 on.

Basically it's been an amazing trip with this here Ethan. Dare I say I maybe am even enjoying it a little?

And, I am having a boy. It's so exciting and now that my sister has her sweet baby boy and I got to spend a week with him it is becoming more of a reality. It has just always seemed so foreign. I've had 9 brothers. I've been around boy babes. But I've never had one and had come to terms with the fact that we might not! I've been buying blue blankets and clothes and it has just seemed really out of body. Like I know I'm having a boy but can't really picture it. Now, however, since he won't quit kicking me and I'm constantly aware of him, it's becoming really real. And I can't wait!

Pink Cupcake Magic

My kids are avid readers. I swear I spend more time reading in a day than I do doing any other activity. It's something that I love to watch as a mom. Recently, Addy picked a book at the library about pink cupcakes. The story is about a little girl who makes pink cupcakes and puts a wish in the batter that turns her into a princess. Then she keeps getting upset at her brother and his friends who keep eating all the cupcakes that she bakes so one day she makes green cupcakes and makes a wish and they all turn into frogs. The book included a pink cupcake recipe. So, of course, Addy wanted to make them. So we did :) We followed the recipe and Addy put everything in. She and Ellie helped mix. Then they each got to decorate their own. I was surprised by how into it Grace was. It turned out to be a great activity and the cupcakes were actually pretty dang good!

Addy is very particular and specific about how she does things. She wants everything just right. I love her concentration faces! 

Addy's finished product. I love this little girl more than words can say.

After a few tries spreading the frosting Grace just wanted to eat her ingredients :)

Ellie was just so thrilled to be doing something herself. Her independence lately is a blessing and a burden all wrapped into one cute little package.

I dumped sprinkles onto tupperware lids for them and Ellie meticulously picked hers up one by one and placed them exactly where she wanted them.

I love doing these kinds of things with my girls. Pretty soon we are going to have to start adding some trucks and balls to our fun!

End of Summer Shenanigans

The weather is cooling off! I, being in my 3rd trimester, am ready for the cooler weather that Fall brings. I love the colors and I love decorating my house for Fall and Halloween. And this Fall, we will be adding a baby boy to our crazy mix and I am so excited. So many things about Fall this year excite me. We had one warm day last week and the girls and I spent most of it outside. These girls can really go all day, let me tell you! They started with a cereal picnic. Then chalk drawing and then we learned hop scotch together! It was so fun to spend that time with the older two while Grace was sleeping. 

This was a picture Ellie insisted on taking for Aunt Shauna and Baby Jordan. Her faces always make me laugh.

Addy was excited to show off her skills :)

Not going to lie, one of my favorite parts of this video is Addy singing "We have a party!" in the background...lol

Another fun thing that we have done a couple times is take our kids and their bikes to the nature park here in town. The girls LOVE riding their bikes around the loop and it's so great to wear them out for bedtime! Also, there are these ducks there and recently they installed some feed dispensers. These ducks have become so tame. I was watching videos from last year feeding the ducks with the kids and the ducks would run from them. Now they just run right to them! The kids were feeding them, petting them, and picking up the ducklings and the ducks didn't even break a sweat. Which isn't probably great news for the ducks, but for us it makes for a great time! For $1.50 we fed them for nearly an hour and it was constant entertainment. Totally worth it!

Grace trying to figure out how to get food to come out of there.

It was especially fun to watch Grace. I don't have a video uploaded but Grace was being so funny! She would sit on the ground and throw food to the ducks and then just crack up as they would eat it! It was so fun to watch. I love watching my kids explore new things and learn to love the world around them.

That Time I Lost My Wedding Ring

It was a crappy day. The whole day. The whole weekend really. And to top it off it was a Monday. I was emotional because of something happening for one of my closest friends and my kids were feeling my emotions being all over the place. Finally after naptime I consented to them going outside to play in the pool. Being the great mom I am (heavy sarcasm) I put sunscreen on them. And being as in love with my ring as I am (no sarcasm there) I took off my wedding ring to apply said sunscreen. If I don't it gets all in the diamonds and looks yucky. Anyway, because of my exhausted state, I set my rings on the counter rather than the high shelf above the sink. And then forgot about them as I sent my kids outside and determined to do the first dish of the weekend. 

Then the kids came in and started playing and soon I heard a little tinker as my CTR ring fell to the kitchen floor off of Addy's finger. I immediately noticed that my wedding ring, too, was missing. I stopped everything. We were supposed to be headed to the water park. But I quit getting ready. I searched. And searched. And searched. And nothing came up. I called Scott at about 4:30, an hour into looking, and demanded he come home (not one of my finer moments, but like I said, it wasn't my day). He couldn't. So I cried and continued looking. When he got home I told him I didn't want to go to the water park anymore but that I wanted to look all night until I found it. We looked for another hour, at which point he suggested we just take a break and go to the water park. So we did. I went home feeling a little better and feeling confident that with Scott's help I would find my ring. 

But Monday came and went and still, nothing. Then Tuesday. Then Wednesday. Then Thursday. Then Friday. I was devastated. I looked at replacing it. They don't make it anymore, so the ones they have are clearance and still out of possible replacement range. I was super depressed (with this and other things going on at the time). I tore the house apart. We moved every appliance. People suggested looking places that I had checked a billion times. I dumped out the friggin' peanut butter jar because I was making sandwiches when I noticed it missing and considered it had fallen there...I mean seriously. I dumped out every shoe, took apart every piece of furniture, explored every nook and cranny. Looked. Looked. Looked.

The poor kids were beside themselves. I couldn't focus on anything. I knew that eventually I would have to do something other than search 24/7. But I didn't want to. 

This whole time I started to think about my ring. About everything it meant to me. So let me write down the story about my ring so I always remember it. I'm kinda picky. I knew what I didn't like. I didn't like teeny tiny diamonds. I didn't like squares. I didn't like stones with a plain band. And then one day Scott emailed me with the subject line "Scary Stuff..." with a link to this ring. It was perfect. It met all my criteria. It exceeded my wildest dreams. I instantly fell in love with it and the fact that Scott was the one who had found it and dreamed that it would be mine one day as his wife. I never tried on another ring. I never looked at another ring. And this was all before we'd even set foot in a store. It's the only ring I ever looked at and the only one I wanted. 

To me, that ring symbolizes our marriage. Beautiful, pure, mine. It stands for the amazing things we have accomplished the last five years. The struggle we made it through to even get married. The hurt and pain and trials. The triumphs, the new resolve, and the joy. I feel like we have accomplished so much in five years! Our anniversary will be Sept 24th. In these five years we have both graduated college, brought almost 4 babies into this world, bought a house and turned it into a home, nailed down Scott's dream job, and managed to love each other more each day. I know the ring it temporary and our marriage is eternal. But that ring reminds me of our eternity. It tells everyone that I belong to someone and it reminds me every day how much I love that man. 

Friday was another dreary day. I decided to stop looking. I told Scott to just pray that it was one of those things you find when you quit obsessing. I put in a load of laundry that morning. Checked every pocket, shook out every shirt, turned every sock inside out (I know, so much for not obsessing). I started the load. And then I heard clinks. It took all my will power not to open that washing machine and sort through again, but seeing as it's a front loader my common sense told me to wait. And my experience told me that it was just a key Scott had left in a pocket I had somehow missed. 

I texted Scott: "I hear something in the washer. I'm not getting excited, but pray anyways." 

The washer ended. 

I opened it. 

And there it was. In the door seal. 

I was so happy. And relieved. And grateful.